Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I bet
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*