Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I unironically love this joke.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.