Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
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Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
why do drug commercials always show people outdoors doing active social things? if that’s a side effect it’s a dealbreaker
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
bias laundering edition
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*