Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.