Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what