Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Home is where your toilet is.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”