Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

me adding lol on a serious message

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!