Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
britain’s three elite institutions
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.