Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here