Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

So inspired right now.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.