Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Oddly specific
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.