Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Bro what is this

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]