Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
scares
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?