Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
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Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.