Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
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“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
“no gods no masters” = leo
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”