Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
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ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya