Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My favorite female superhero
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
#merica
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty