Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.