Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Breaking news:

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?