Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion