Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
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me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
he looks great for his age
TRAIN’S HERE