Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Dear Lord..

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.