Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
The answer is funnier than the question
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.