Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Dietest Coke
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
#Caturday
