Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
That de-escalated quickly
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
The three genders.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
