Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?