Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle