Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
In case you needed to hear it:
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
The old gods are rising again.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children