Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.