Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.