@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

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@ShanaRose21

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

@StatusInBeirut

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

@desukidesu

bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM

@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@cwhudson

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

@ShortSleeveSuit

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

@JPLFR80

Someone stole my credit card. Thanks for all the miles, sucker