Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.