I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-
me: wait they called?
bully: well tha-
me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM
Always be yourself, unless you can be a giraffe. Then, be a giraffe.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Someone stole my credit card. Thanks for all the miles, sucker