Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.