Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

We like the way Dwight thinks

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.