Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

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Having your 7 year old son clean the toilet is pretty entertaining.
He used Pledge.
In other news I just slid off the toilet, into the tub.


Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.


Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you


Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic


My grandfather: The Grampacalypse


My grandfather: Grandmageddon


Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…


Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)


Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot


Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!


Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home


I’ve been arrested 10 times