Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On