Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it