Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]