Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy