Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?