Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
had to make it
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me My dog
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera