Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
monday
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The Assassin.
sigh
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.