Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.