Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.