Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I just stopped by to water my horse.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?