Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

“FOUND ‘EM!”

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.