Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.