don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m awake but I object,
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
the rocks need my help
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*