Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Weighing up my bread heating options
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
