Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing