Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that