Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05