Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.