Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
#SaturdayBears
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.