Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A short story of betrayal:
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.