Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .