Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The answer is funnier than the question
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.