Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid