Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.