Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?

Me: Cooking dinner.

7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?

Me: I have no idea.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.