Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
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Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.