Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.