Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?