Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t