Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
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[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.