Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
You Might Also Like
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
…żyje?
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Based Erika
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
