Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Seems legit

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.