Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Google Pay be like:

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

is this a warning or an offer?

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet