Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.