Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
The French word for sex is croissant.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.