Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

Bread puns are on the rise!

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”