Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Always the camel, never the toe.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

had to share :’)

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.