Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.