Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
San Francisco has too many rules
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.