Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
You Might Also Like
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.