Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like