“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now