Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket